Today was not exactly my favorite day. Honestly, it's been kind of rough this time around without Mike here. I have recognized so many things he does here in our home and the support he is for me. I will be very grateful when he is with us again. I'm grateful for the things he's doing for our family in Casper. But for now, for today, I'm sad.
When I was little, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a Mommy (and a nurse of course so I could take care of my babies!) I wanted 9 children, then 7, and for some reason I have stuck with 5 probably since I was 12. That was my fondest dream, to be a wife and mother of a million babies.
Being a parent has so far been the hardest thing I've done here on Earth. I am/used to be such a controlling mother, expected perfection, and get really stressed when the house isn't clean. Looking back to when I became a parent seven years ago to now, I've learned a thing or two. I used to think the perfect wife/mother always has a spotless and organized house where every thing is put back in it's place. I thought I needed to have huge dinners every single night with meat, veggies, fruit, salad, dessert, everything. Carpooling, sewing, cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing with children (without a single mess because children would play with one toy, then put it away to get another), grocery shopping, going to all the sport games, dance recitals and practices, keeping a journal... I seriously could go on forever with all the wonderful things the perfect Mommy does. All of this was in my mind growing up that I would do. Everything, I would do it all. And to be honest, I still wish I could do it all (with a smile on my face no less!). But I just can't. I can't be the "perfect mother and wife."
This in no way, shape or form means I will just give up because I will never be the perfect mother, because you better believe I will always be working at it. But as I pondered tonight while getting ready for bed, I thought about what kind of mother I am and how I can learn to be happy with who I am.
*I don't enjoy cooking. Weird right?! My mom was a fantastic cook and could make anything. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not my mom, and I'm ok with that. I want meals to be over as soon as they begin. They are a nuisance. In my perfect world, there would be 3 pills for each meal and you'd get all the nutrients needed (chug those down with a bit of Dr Pepper and that sounds just about right). I get very stressed when it's time to decide what to have and make it. Mac and Cheese is pretty much an every other day thing in our household, you're welcome. Every once in a while, it's fun to whip out a recipe and create, but for every day life, it's my #1 stress!
*I love to read to my children. I am a different person when I'm reading. I can be anyone, do anything. We have a lot of fun together during that special time. It doesn't matter if I've been yelling and screaming a couple minutes earlier, as soon as we pick up books to read, we are in our own little heaven. Reading is a priority. (which is one of the things that, for me before I had kids, the perfect mother didn't HAVE to do because I hadn't really thought much about it.)
* I get very stressed when I'm in clutter. I have a hard time functioning well in a big mess. There is a catch! Seriously, my house is a dump all the time! I don't know why I let it fall apart because I get super grouchy, therefore yes, I'm grouchy all the time. This is an area where I didn't think I'd have a problem with. Its very frustrating cleaning a room, moving on to a different room, just to come back to the first one that's trashed in minutes (one of my kids' best qualities). I have so many things going on, projects, callings, and busy children that I just don't get to my house as often as I'd like. Ok, sometimes a month goes by before I can clean the bathrooms. So instead of freaking out that my bathrooms aren't clean, I should either just clean them or accept it happily until I can get to it. I'll tell you what, the house is a big bipolar struggle for me.
*Why do I feel like I'm a good mom by having a lot of children? Sometimes I think that maybe if we have another baby soon, I'll feel better and do better. Very strange thinking. I thrive off of spending quality time with each of my kids. I already feel like I'm too busy with so many things around me (useless and important) that I'm not spending the best time I could with them and feel guilty. I feel like I'm failing most days as a mother to my three babies. The question of "how many children should we have" haunts me. Just a side story from a few years ago: When I would be frustrated about something (usually while he was gone on a job) and pretty much losing my mind with life and children, Mike would tell me (usually over the phone;) ) "Ok well if you can't handle the three kids we have now, then maybe we shouldn't have any more kids." Oh wow, blow! I was so offended every time he'd say something like that. I felt as if he was telling me I'm not a good mom. Way to kick me when I'm down Mr Goodman! But now...I'm understanding more and more what that comment means. Exactly what it's supposed to! And it's not even a rude comment. If I can't handle my life and all that is around me now, why in the world do I still feel the pressure to be a perfect Mommy and have millions of babies surrounding me just so I can be angry and lose my mind. I'm understanding that everyone is different, everyone gets to choose how many, if any, children they get to have. In my mind, mothers with many children and who raise them wonderfully are heroes. I'm not saying we're only having three children, because I would LOVE to have more one day. But for right now, we are happy being a family of five. It's different than what I have always wanted all my life, but I'm finding that out with life in general.
This is a lot of rambling. My point is, I need to love the Mom that I am. I will always try to do better every day, but I need to focus on my strengths, figure out my priorities. MY priorities that go well for my three children and my husband, not 'Suzie-Q' and 'Bertha' down the street and what they do so perfectly, my very own.
I think my mind is going to explode with all the millions of things I need to get done throughout the day. And I'll be honest, sometimes when my kids are interrupting things I feel are important at the time, I get frustrated with them as if they're getting in my way. That's not who I want to be. It's in those moments when I feel like that, I know my priorities are off course.
I'm going to really think and pray about what the most important things are for me and my family. I know that my priorities are way off, because I'm angry and blah almost every single day. I need to reevaluate my life and decide what kind of Mommy I want to be. I remember when Lincoln was about 4 years old. Some days he would ask me, "Are you happy Mommy or angry Mommy?" Ouch. Even at such a young age, they are watching.
Oh my, even more rambling! I'm not even sure if this made any sense! To conclude, today was not my favorite day, but I'm going to make it a favorite tomorrow because I get to choose who and what I want to be and do.
The end:)
